Reflecting

For some reason, a strange mood has hit me and I've decided to reflect on a lot of things in a blog post... Maybe it'll help to get it all out in to words and I don't have a journal here with me, sadly. I should probably buy one.
Regardless, here goes.

This mood started a short while ago as I was looking at my old roommate's profile on facebook... it feels like forever ago that I was sharing a room with her but it was only a few months and just last semester. For some reason, the memories I have of that last apartment and semester are imprinted differently than previous years. It feels like a waking dream almost. It's as if I woke up from a really long dream and remember flashes of it, but no details. I can't recall what Meg and I talked about when we were going to sleep... but I do remember the sounds outside my window, like a comforting lullaby, comforting only because of its familiarity. I remember standing in front of the balcony door in the middle of the night, having gotten up for some reason, and without turning the lights on just watching the wind move the trees and the snow come down during the storm, but I can't tell you what side of the door the handle was on. It's all a vague blur for some reason, which is startling because I was trying so hard to remember every detail as it happened because I knew it was my last semester.
Then I started to think about how this, this semester in Bonn, is my final semester. I saw a picture of Madison earlier on newsfeed and it made me miss being there in the Spring semester very badly. I think the pain, the missing, isn't coming from literally wanting to be there right now... it's more like I'm trying to begin to part with that era of my life and realizing it did go by just as quickly as everyone said it would... and that I didn't listen. I didn't do enough, didn't take enough chances, didn't live enough adventures. I have great memories but, like most people, I wish I knew then what I know now... to stop worrying about the little things and maybe stay out later with friends instead of studying for a pop quiz.
I think I took things like spending the last semester on campus or walking at graduation with a grain of salt and I shouldn't have because I would have liked, very much, a picture of me in a cap and gown on Bascom Hill and, sadly, I will never have that. Conversely though, I want to preserve the memory of my Grandfather at Jenny's graduation and hope he would have looked as happy if he would have made it to mine. That was one of the last times I saw him and I don't think I could make it through a day that reminded me that much of him without being sad.

Maybe this is all coming from a place of fear too because now I need to "grow up", not that I haven't in the process of the last 5 years, and find a job, find a life... build a life rather. Scary. Where do I even start?
Maybe with finishing my homework and going to bed...